The Dean Noble weekend spectacular continues with another installment in the Police Blotter series.
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Police Blotter 24
comedy
chapter 1
Corporal Chris Hines of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police was getting the transfer that he requested. He was transferring out of homicide to the General Crimes Division, a broad based department of the Police Services which had wide sweeping powers.
The Integated Homicide Investigation Team which he was a part of always dealt with murderers which is one side of the homicide investigation sciences and then there is always the gruesome sight of the murdered which is the other side of the homicide investigation sciences and the always horrid autopsies that follow. The murderers were really bad people who had bad vibes like someone met in a nightmare.
He wanted to go on to something more positive.
The television news was on. His wife was asleep in the other room. This was her day off. However, it was just about time for Corporal Chris Hines to report to work. He had to go to work in an hour.
There was a series of strange television commercials and news reports and at the end of it all, the good Detective just had to turn off the television.
There was a television commercial about travelling. They were using the refrain from the Eagles song Life in the Fast Lane over and over again. Specifically the line, "Life in the fast lane." And when the verse was sung, all of them a couple coming of out the water after swimming, walking onto a sandy beach.
"Life in the Fast Lane" There appears a couple dressed in a regular bathing suit.
"Life in the Fast Lane" There appears a couple dressed in business attire.
"Life in the Fast Lane" There appears a couple dressed in 1900's bathing suits. The guy with the tank top and the long shorts and the lady with the flounces.
"Life in the Fast Lane" There appears a pair of Muslims, the man wearing a cap and tunic and a woman in a full burkah.
"Life in the Fast Lane" There appears a pair of astronauts in full NASA uniform."
Then there was a News Report.
"A puppy was found at the side of the road near a small town in the interior of the Province three days ago. It had been in the well for a few weeks and only a sudden flood which left the dog near drowned but had allowed its body to somehow float to the surface. The dog was struck one in the side with a car. After walking a few days, it evidently encountered a wild boar which forensic pathologists were able to find a few boar bristles embedded in the side of the dog. Later the dog had come into a person who was physically abusive but luckily the dog, even though in a state of severe physical distress had escaped that person in less than an hour. The dog was struck a couple of more times by a car. Even some guy riding a mountain bike had struck it at one point which did not help the puppies injuries." the News Anchorwoman said sarcastically which the Police Detective detected.
"The dog spent close to 72 hours in the local veterinary hospital. Hopes were good for the dogs recovery. The story was famous in the local community which the dog was found the kennel in which the dog was staying had a few visitors. Some people brought snack bones, and pigs ear chew toys. Things looked real good for that dog."
The NewsAnchorwoman paused for just a second and then said, "Yesterday the dog succumbed to its injuries and died. Incidentally, the dog's name was Lucky."
Detective Chris Hines was disgusted. Why go into all that trouble just to talk about a dead dog?
A new television commercial came on.
"Try a demo. Try a demorol."
That's it, the Police Officer thought. Off goes the T.V..
chapter 2
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police and Easter have always traditionally been closely tied. The World's Largest Easter Egg in Vegreville Alberta was designed and built in 1985 in commemoration of the 100th Anniversary of the RCMP.
On the way to the RCMP Depot, Detective Chris Hines saw a woman dressed in an Easter Bunny outfit on the city sidewalk.
He knew that she was an RCMP Officer and under that bunny uniform was a radar gun that would beep if anyone was going over the speed limit. She and other RCMP operatives handed out a lot of tickets that Easter weekend.
chapter three
At the Police Station, a call had come in. This was a call made to a landline telephone within his departmental segment of the Police Station.
Someone was at the museum. This was no ordinary night at the museum. This culprit had evaded the sophisticated laser lights like Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment. In fact, the culprit was a woman who was a Middle Eastern skilled ballerina and rock climber working in league with a group of Palestinian terrorists.
The object stolen was a coprolite which is a fancy word for Dinosaur shit. When Chris Hines heard that, he didn't believe it. All that money, all that time, all that planning only to steal a piece of shit.
However, the piece of shit in question belonged to the extremely rare Etricerotops.
This was a larger version of the classic triceratops, a dinosaur so large that a Doctor of the University of Alberta said that its head was as big as a SmartCar. This Dinosaur in which only one specimen had ever been found was fortunate in its demise enough to leave a general pile of petrified dinosaur shit near its deathsite to gift any scientists who might discover it 500 million years later.
chapter 4
Detective Chris Hines was at the museum talking to the curator. A few minutes later, his wife had appeared. This story was bringing in all the local cops who were assigned to have a look. They walked in a single file line in a column perpendicular to the path they were walking which reminded Detective Chris Hines of his days in the homicide department. Although the precision technique being used at taxpayers expense was not to find a murder victim, but a piece of shit. Which struck a few people in the room as ironic.
The Palestinian terrorists were using the shit in which there was a generous amount of in the museum because in addition to the stuff in the display case, they also stole what was in the museum vaults downstairs. The guy who blew up the FBI building in the United States in 1994 used a fertilizer bomb. Basically, shit. Anyone knows gunpowder is made using charcoal, sulphur and ammonium nitrate or fertilizer, or shit. Apparently, dinosaur shit, and in particular that from the Etricerotops species had the explosive power of 100 times that of ordinary shit. This was lighter and easier for the terrorists to conceal. The museum had 785 pounds of Etricerotops coprolites which had all been absconded with by these terrorists.
The plan that had taken the terrorists who called themselves The Decapitated Cobra's Head a year to think out and five hours to physically execute had become unravelled at the airport. They wanted to bring the shit through customs nonchalantly in ordinary Samsonite luggage.
However, a molecular density analyzer which was built in part of the X Ray machine had picked up an alarming molecular density signature. Although nothing in the luggage looked like a bomb, a few security guards had started accreting around the X Ray machine which was flashing a silent telltale light. An alarm code. A few calls to the RCMP had quickly brought Chris and the rest of the RCMP with him including his wife and the Easter bunny who was a material witness for she saw the culprits leave the museum because the street which she was giving out tickets was across the street from the museum.
The Palestinian terrorists were caught at Departure gate 12-G as they awaited a flight to Maui which would transfer to Malaysia and then on to Israel where they were from.
Those terrorists of the Decapitated Cobra's Head learned a valuable lesson on this day: You can't bring shit on airplanes.
Epilogue
A few days later, Detective Chris Hines of the RCMP requested to be transferred back to the Homicide Division.
During his time with the General Crimes Division, he regularly saw his old friends and also the Superintendent of the Integrated Homicide Investigation Team around at the Police Station. They were good people. A few of them even commented that he was talented in homicide investigation and should return to the team.
A new television series called Dexter in which a serial killer joins the Police Department has a scene when the main character was a child. This child killed animals and his father who was a cop who knew the psychological profile knew he had a killer on his hands. The father said to the young Dexter. You have to channel this energy. Kill the people who deserve to be killed. There is a lot of bad people out there. People the Police can't always catch.
These things had influenced Detective Chris Hines decision. However it was finally when he determined that the shit was the last straw. It was a sign that he was not on the right path and should go back to working at homicide.
Dean Noble
March 22, 2008
Dawson Creek
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Dean Noble
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